I have no passion left. I don’t care about anything I once cared about. Organic healthy food, gardening, exercise, making my own health and beauty products, hiking, camping, art, building, writing, fun, adventure, sustainable living, TREEHOUSES… Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest don’t inspire anymore, they only make me sad and angry now. It’s all so worthless. No one else cares who I am, or who I once was. those things don’t matter, who I was never mattered because I was the only one who cared. No one shared in those passions with me. I can’t care anymore. It’s too hard to keep up with all of that. There isn’t time nor money to care anyway and it hurts too much to give a shit when no one else feels my passion, no one else feels joy in doing those things WITH me, always telling me why we can’t, or why they don’t want to. No one cares to lift me up to a place where I am ABLE to care about those things and pursue them. No one is proud of my passions, and now I’m not either. They are dead, and I might as well be too. I wish I was. I wish I could lay down and never wake up in this stupid world. But I can’t. I would leave and find like minded souls, but THIS is my family. I have an obligation to feed and clothe them, to keep them alive and moving forward. So I stay. I try to love them. I DO love them, even though it means losing myself. I’m trying. I wake up every morning, I pull myself painfully out of merciful sleep and I put one foot in front of the other, living the same drudgery over and over and over again. I work every day instead of doing the things that I once loved, and every cent I make is sucked away by the money sucking machine. No passion, no hope, no joy. I hope I can keep trudging long enough to get them through before I die. I am dying. Slowly. I’ve failed the child that I was. Not a single dream has come true. I’m tired of fighting, so I won’t anymore. I surrender to this bondage, the enslavement to the machine. Fuck it all.
I have to share! I’ve been worried and wondering how on earth I’m going to get my bills payed and how I’m going to get me and my girls to K-Con this year. I PROMISED them I’d do whatever I could to get us there, but then I lost my job. I’ve been struggling hard. My new job barely covers the bills and I’m behind from being unemployed for two weeks. But PRAISE GOD, a friend just called and said she needs a muralist here in town for the month of June and I can do it after work and on my weekends! If the business owner accepts her bid it’ll be a $10,000 job! I don’t know what my share will be but I bet it’ll get us to K-Con so I won’t have to break my kid’s hearts! Please pray he accepts the bid and that I can get it done in a timely and professional manner without burning myself out? Thanks! Love you all!!!!!
Well, I landed all three of the jobs I interviewed for! Any of them would be fun jobs. So fun I’m not sure which ones to take! All are part time and all start at roughly half of my previous hourly wage. Truly I wish I could just take one and work as an artist the rest of the time, but Hubby doesn’t think that’s a good idea. See, art is never a sure thing. I have faith, but I need to honor him. So I will pray on it and see where the Lord leads me. If He wants me to use the talent He blessed me with He will bring me enough clients and commissions to appease my husband. I’m putting everything out there and doing everything I can to promote myself as an artist. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and trusting God to build the ground under my feet. If the answer is “no” or “not yet” to an art career, then I have to suck it up and do what needs to be done to get the Hubs through school and the kids fed. Sigh…such is life and we make the best of it that we can!
Anyway, if you happen to stumble on this post, please feel free to browse my site to see my art share if you feel led and leave any comments you wish! I would love to create something uniquely beautiful for you! If you would like to book me for a mural, portrait, paint party or face painting, please contact me. I’d love to hear from you!
I’m a woman of few words. I need time to think that I just don’t have right now. So I’ll keep my first post short and to the point. I’ll probably delete it later.
I just want to express my excitement and complete terror for the new…whatever this is in my life. I feel like all these options have been tossed up in the air and they are still sorta flying up and getting ready to fall back down. I’m not sure how any of them will land or if they will end up in one piece once they do. In case you haven’t noticed, all I want to do is make art. Art, art, art all day long and I want to have openings and go to shows and get commissions for portraits and murals and sculptures for businesses and people! I just don’t have enough bookings yet.
I had an interview at a jewelry store for a jewelers position, and I have one at Home Depot and a local garden center in he next two days. I also am going to learn how to do some painting on fondant (wonderfully delicious clay like frosting) for a friend who owns a baking business and wants to offer that service. I think I will like doing any or all of these things. I’m pretty sure all of them are part time positions and, of course they don’t pay much.
Part time is good though so I can work on my art. I have all kinds of people saying they want murals and some saying they will help me make this art thing a career. I even had a sweet friend help me set up this web page. It’s just a matter of if and when the ones who said they want to and others will actually book me. I’m more scared now of NOT putting my whole self into BEING an artist and having to work toward someone else’s dream than I am of failing while pursuing my own. The problem is, I have three kids that I can’t just let down. I can’t just not take the steady pay for my own selfishness. We just bought a house. I can’t just not pay for it. In other words, it’s do or die. So if you see this and you’re the praying type, please say a little one for me?
The octopus is the last mural I worked on. I’ll go back later and add bunches of colorful sea life to the reef below him. I’m good. I know I’m good. Can my family hang on till enough people who can afford my services know I’m good too? Stay tuned to find out!