Today I pushed you from me.
For the second time in history.
In reality I can’t count how many times I’ve pushed you out.
But this time…
Oh this time it’s as sweet as it’s been bitter.
Cuz you’ll think of me too as time grows thicker.
On the other side?
Watching me? Waiting?
Slowly returning to normalcy.
No longer hiding and scared.
Still can’t eat much.
Can’t sit down much.
I walk around sighing
playing with my hair
touching my face
One second smiling,
The next I’m dying.
I’m a twitterpated tween.
Shake it off
Check my phone
My inbox is safely,
Love songs are no longer meaningless, but tragic.
Attempting to push emotions
& crackling chemistry asside
Trying to bring back logic
In order to decide.
Think RATIONAL thoughts Jeanette!
Reality is rarely like our fantasies.
Don’t jump in blind.
(Self Portrait by JETTE 1997)
I’m just so angry and I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m bitter. Pissed off. Stuck. I’m so tired of being common folk. I know, I know, boo freaking hoo right? It’s just that my art page was blowing up! I booked a few group art shows, one tanked but I sold a couple things at this last one. I produced so much in that one week I wasn’t working! I set up this site, got business cards made, I’m in talks for another mural (which I have no idea if I’ll have time to do now), I already sold this little craft thing I’ve been painting on that isn’t even finished, I booked a painting party and a craft fair and learned how to hand paint cakes, and then…
I got a job.
You know, like a real one. At a jewelry store. Cuz everybody knows art isn’t a “real” job and won’t pay the bills right? But the thing is, it might have. I was hustling, getting things done, booking a job and opening doors and making connections. And now, like I said, I’m angry, bitter, pissed off and stuck. Not that the people at the jewelry store suck or anything, they are really cool! I like them and I’m GOOD at making jewelry. It’s just that I’m laser trained and they only use torches. I feel like my legs have been cut off. Then there’s the fact that I’m only making a little over half of what I used to make, driving farther, and spending 12 hours/week more on the job and commute instead of with my family or god forbid making ART! Not for more paid hours mind you, but cuz I have to clock out for an hour lunch and two 15s. I’M PISSED!
I try real hard not to take this out on my husband but it’s real hard not to. He wouldn’t even give me a chance to try. Zero encouragement, zero faith, zero sympathy, just “get a job, get a job, get a job.” And now I’m STILL a servant for someone else’s dreams. Was I supposed to defy him and just do what I wanted anyway? It would have taken time and a LOT of faith and hustle, but it was barely starting to show hope and now… Am I supposed to just be fucking miserable on the inside but smile at him through it? I hate him right now. I hate my life, my body, my tiny income. I literally am just walking around hating everything. I’m SO disappointed, and when I get this way everything else comes up, like how he was pissed every time I conceived and pissed when I bought our first house and how I feel so god damned unattractive around him, both my body and my heart, and how we have nothing in common and how he looks at and flirts with other women when I’m right there in the room and how he doesn’t “get” art and how I’ve had to be the breadwinner for the past six years while he finishes school, and no it’s not a masters or a bachelors. It’s an AA because we have three kids and he has to work some so we can survive, which we might not anyway with me making this little and being away so much more.
You know, maybe I’m more pissed at my past self for the life decisions that I made. I honestly at this point, wish I could go slap my 20 something year old self silly and talk some sense into that idiot! Chase your freaking dreams instead of men Dummy, and when you do chose a man, CHOOSE HIM WISELY! I just let the current take me where it would and look where it got me. Struggle. This relationship has been sad from the get go. I’m not thinking I’m perfect but damn I’m tired of feeling like this. Yea. Boo freaking hoo. I know, I know, victim mentality, and I can change things if I really want to, blah blah blah. If you’ve read this far you’re crazy, but thanks for letting me vent. Check out the art on my page, it will be the last I can make for a while.
Well, I landed all three of the jobs I interviewed for! Any of them would be fun jobs. So fun I’m not sure which ones to take! All are part time and all start at roughly half of my previous hourly wage. Truly I wish I could just take one and work as an artist the rest of the time, but Hubby doesn’t think that’s a good idea. See, art is never a sure thing. I have faith, but I need to honor him. So I will pray on it and see where the Lord leads me. If He wants me to use the talent He blessed me with He will bring me enough clients and commissions to appease my husband. I’m putting everything out there and doing everything I can to promote myself as an artist. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and trusting God to build the ground under my feet. If the answer is “no” or “not yet” to an art career, then I have to suck it up and do what needs to be done to get the Hubs through school and the kids fed. Sigh…such is life and we make the best of it that we can!
Anyway, if you happen to stumble on this post, please feel free to browse my site to see my art share if you feel led and leave any comments you wish! I would love to create something uniquely beautiful for you! If you would like to book me for a mural, portrait, paint party or face painting, please contact me. I’d love to hear from you!
I’m a woman of few words. I need time to think that I just don’t have right now. So I’ll keep my first post short and to the point. I’ll probably delete it later.
I just want to express my excitement and complete terror for the new…whatever this is in my life. I feel like all these options have been tossed up in the air and they are still sorta flying up and getting ready to fall back down. I’m not sure how any of them will land or if they will end up in one piece once they do. In case you haven’t noticed, all I want to do is make art. Art, art, art all day long and I want to have openings and go to shows and get commissions for portraits and murals and sculptures for businesses and people! I just don’t have enough bookings yet.
I had an interview at a jewelry store for a jewelers position, and I have one at Home Depot and a local garden center in he next two days. I also am going to learn how to do some painting on fondant (wonderfully delicious clay like frosting) for a friend who owns a baking business and wants to offer that service. I think I will like doing any or all of these things. I’m pretty sure all of them are part time positions and, of course they don’t pay much.
Part time is good though so I can work on my art. I have all kinds of people saying they want murals and some saying they will help me make this art thing a career. I even had a sweet friend help me set up this web page. It’s just a matter of if and when the ones who said they want to and others will actually book me. I’m more scared now of NOT putting my whole self into BEING an artist and having to work toward someone else’s dream than I am of failing while pursuing my own. The problem is, I have three kids that I can’t just let down. I can’t just not take the steady pay for my own selfishness. We just bought a house. I can’t just not pay for it. In other words, it’s do or die. So if you see this and you’re the praying type, please say a little one for me?
The octopus is the last mural I worked on. I’ll go back later and add bunches of colorful sea life to the reef below him. I’m good. I know I’m good. Can my family hang on till enough people who can afford my services know I’m good too? Stay tuned to find out!