Help?

img_9154Help. It’s such a hard thing to say, harder to accept. It’s hard to even know what you’re asking for or who to ask. I’ve been navigating the world alone for the past two years, fighting depression, debt, lost dreams, lost love, family issues. I don’t want to ask anyone, even if I knew who to ask. I don’t want to depend on anyone. I don’t want to even dare to hope that there is help or that anyone would help. Why should they? Everyone has their own struggle, their own debt and lost dreams, their own responsibilities. I have effectively cut off all my old friends. They don’t have the knowledge or recourses to help me even if they wanted to, which they wouldn’t because I shut them out. I don’t have any close family that can help me and those that could, I can’t ask. I wouldn’t even know what to ask for. I wouldn’t even know how to implement the help or advice because time and money are so ridiculously tight.  I don’t want to be bailed out, I want to EARN my hopes and dreams, not have them handed to me. I feel trapped, strapped down in the bed I made. I’m still struggling to break the bonds though. Trying with every spare moment that my body will let me be productive to plan and THINK my way out. My last post was a list of things we’d need to go off grid. But first I need to get out of debt. It seems hopeless and here is why. This is the list I made about my income to debt:

 

Average income is about $1,700/month

Bills broken down by how much should be paid/month – if they are paid quarterly I divided into how much it would be/month. My husband makes just a little less than I do and he handles the groceries, power, sewer, water, car insurance and upkeep as well as his own credit card bills. Just as a side note, we haven’t charged anything except small vet bills in the last two years at least.

Mortgage – $640

Student loan – $50

Chase – $100

Home Depot – $100

Gas – $180

Property Taxes – $110

HOA – $20

New York Life – $30

Kids Insurance – $25

Cigarettes – $60

Fast food – $100

DoTerra – $60

Make-up – $50

Clothing or other necessities – $100

TOTAL = $1,625

 

Which means I should have about $75 left over every month.

Time to start keeping track of EVERY PENNY!

The FIRST step to independence is getting out of debt so I can start saving for the dream. As it is, it looks like I should be able to put away almost $75 every month, but I’m left with less than $10 at the end of every pay period. I need to know what the heck I’m doing with my money.

I can quit buying DoTerra all together. I can try like hell to at least cut down on the cigarettes. I don’t think I actually spend that much on makeup, but I can’t quit wearing it, cuz the bosses told me I had to. I don’t spend that much on clothes, but the “other necessities’ that I’m not even sure what they are, a kids field trip here, a bottle of wine there, pick up this or that at the store over there… Some of that is late fees too, cuz I can’t freaking keep the fuck up. Paying my mortgage late again this month which brings it up to $674, and I have to turn right around and pay it again out of this paycheck if I want to avoid another late fee. The property taxes will be due again in a month and how I’m going to save $450 by then I just can’t fathom, which means another late fee. I’m drowning and I don’t know how to keep my head above the water. How the hell do people do this? I see all kinds of new cars on the road and ours are on the verge of falling apart, even though we both wake up at the ass crack of dawn and work our asses off at the expense of raising our children. I want out. I hate money and the money sucking machine that robs people of life.

So I’m screaming, whether I want to or not, whether anyone will hear or answer. SOMEONE HELP ME GET OUT PLEASE!!!!!just-start

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Trials.

Man. Things were starting to look up. I have a new job that I like despite the fact that I just want to stay home and make art and raise my kids and garden and work out. The pay sucks, but I don’t mind being there if I can’t be home, and I always say, “Some money is better than no money”. I missed two weeks pay looking for the new job and then I got SUPER sick a week into the job. I missed half a days work and it took about a month to feel almost normal again. I feel like all I’ve done in a month is work, sleep, eat a little and write on here when I’m awake. I’ve been so discouraged. I’m so far behind on the mortgage and bills I really don’t know what to do. My outlook was brightening with healing and reading positive messages, praying and trying my damnedest to be happy and forgiving toward my husband. I thought we had one last option to at least catch up on the mortgage if not the credit card bills and that was our tax return. Problem is, the ex-boss put the two months pay from this year on my 1099 so it looks like I made 6Gs more than I did, and then there’s the penalty for not having insurance last year despite having tried to apply through the faulty Nevada website three different times. I still don’t think the lady did the taxes right, but if she did, then we won’t get as much back as the fee is for the tax prep. So we’ll end up farther in debt. IDK what the hell is going on. I’m defeated. It’s my boys ninth birthday on the 11th and he keeps reminding me how many days away it is. I see absolutely no way to catch up on the credit cards, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to catch up on the mortgage. What will I tell the kids if they take our house? Where will we live that’s cheaper? How would we even come up with a deposit to rent a place? I pushed all my friends away. I don’t want to talk to any of them. We left our church for unrelated reasons and never clicked at the new one. Haven’t been in months. I’m so lost. I know I’m supposed to count it all joy when I encounter trials, but I don’t know how to be joyful right now. I know we won’t die, and I’m making the willful decision to trust God, but it’s not really bringing me any peace.