Love Songs

So many love songs.

I hear them line by loving line.

from across the whole world they are keeping time.

Why can’t just one be mine?

Oh God I’m running out of time!

I sound so bitter, but I promise I’m sweet

Only scared I won’t be pretty

by the time we meet.

I don’t need money nor do I need fame.

I just want someone to feel butterflies

at the sound of my name.

I live with someone,

but I’m all alone.

Begging for a love song,

but his heart is stone.

He’d have me believe that all men are this way,

that I don’t deserve one anyway.

But I know that’s not true!

I hear them singing! I DO!

Men know how to love, I just know they do!

Why doesn’t mine? What did I do?

I just want a love song.

One that’s true.

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Legal Addictions

But cha know!

Knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is just goin’ roun’ an’ roun’

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is goin’ roun’ an’ roun’ in circles

why we gotta do the things we do

we’re not movin’ foreward

why we gotta do the things we do

you know they keep us out of heaven

and I say

the Lord forgive but we must not forget

we gotta pay for what we’re doin’

Rollin’ up pon that little corner store

sayin’ Lord just one more smoke

then I’m gonna quit oh Lord you know I will

when this pack is gone

sittin’ on the front porch rocker swing

puffin’ up that nasty smoke

three babies sittin’ by an’ by

watchin’ their momma kill herself before their eyes

I’m trustin’ in the Fathers’ forgiveness

to excuse this thing I’m doin’

the Lord is gonna give me one more chance

yes I know He will

But cha know!

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is just goin’ roun’ and roun’

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is goin’ roun’ an’ roun’ in circles

why we gotta do the things we do

we’re not movin’ foreward

why we gotta do the things we do

you know they keep us out of heaven

the Lord forgive but we must not forget

we gotta pay for what we’re doin’

the wife and kids have gone away today

out to visit grandma

and he says

oh Lord I know it’s sin but I am just a man

what she don’t know won’t hurt her

sit on down and flip the little switch

on the home computer

look at all the honeys Lord they look so nice

they’re everything she isn’t

I’m trustin’ in the Fathers’ forgiveness

to excuse this thing I’m doin’

the Lord is gonna give me one more chance

yes I know He will

but cha know

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is just goin’ roun’ an’ roun’

knowin’ ya gonna’ get another go

is goin’ roun’ an’ roun’ in circles

why we gotta do the things we do

ya know they keep us out of heaven

the Lord forgive but we must not forget

we gotta pay for what we’re doin’

bar-b-que at the river today

oh Lord there’s gonna be beer there

I’ll only have a few cuz you know how I am

I wanna be a good mother

I’m feelin’ good and the kids are all playin’

I’ll just have another

twelve beers later I can’t stand up no more

oh and my baby’s cryin’

I’m trustin’ in the Father’s forgiveness

to excuse this thing I’m doin’

the Lord is gonna give me one more chance

oh yes I know He will….

American Woman

I thought I’d share a poem I wrote around 2007 when the kids were still little.

American Woman

she’s an average American woman

full of questions, dualities, confusion

says and thinks she don’t know what’s wrong or right,

but in her heart she knows the truth from the lies

she’s a mother and her kids so love her

but she no longer has time to be a good lover

marked and saggin’ from bearin’ and raisin’

she knows her body’s no longer worth cravin’

the girls on tv are fake, an illusion

it’s so wrong to need that to feel like a woman

she wants to get back what she lost with her youth

but how would she feel if her body weren’t truth?

she knows earth will die from so much pollution

can’t afford “green” so she lives in delusion

she wants to help the worlds hunger and strife

instead her family’s fed at Wal-Marts low price

she knows it’s wrong to add to the landfills

but what can she do with all the diapers and spills?

resycaling’s expensive, laundry takes time

it’s all an excuse, she knows she’s committing crime

“This world is so screwed!” she cries in her heart

can she teach herself and kids to make a new start?

she feels way to weak, too tired, and too dumb

so she goes about her brainwashed life feeling numb

Stuck Again Damn It!

I’m just so angry and I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m bitter. Pissed off. Stuck. I’m so tired of being common folk. I know, I know, boo freaking hoo right? It’s just that my art page was blowing up! I booked a few group art shows, one tanked but I sold a couple things at this last one. I produced so much in that one week I wasn’t working! I set up this site, got business cards made, I’m in talks for another mural (which I have no idea if I’ll have time to do now), I already sold this little craft thing I’ve been painting on that isn’t even finished, I booked a painting party and a craft fair and learned how to hand paint cakes, First ever First ever2and then…

I got a job.

You know, like a real one. At a jewelry store. Cuz everybody knows art isn’t a “real” job and won’t pay the bills right? But the thing is, it might have. I was hustling, getting things done, booking a job and opening doors and making connections. And now, like I said, I’m angry, bitter, pissed off and stuck. Not that the people at the jewelry store suck or anything, they are really cool! I like them and I’m GOOD at making  jewelry. Antique ring Antique ring2It’s just that I’m laser trained and they only use torches.  I feel like my legs have been cut off. Then there’s the fact that I’m only making a little over half of what I used to make, driving farther, and spending 12 hours/week more on the job and commute instead of with my family or god forbid making ART! Not for more paid hours mind you, but cuz I have to clock out for an hour lunch and two 15s. I’M PISSED!

Love

I try real hard not to take this out on my husband but it’s real hard not to. He wouldn’t even give me a chance to try. Zero encouragement, zero faith, zero sympathy, just “get a job, get a job, get a job.”  And now I’m STILL a servant for someone else’s dreams. Was I supposed to defy him and just do what I wanted anyway? It would have taken time and a LOT of faith and hustle, but it was barely starting to show hope and now… Am I supposed to just be fucking miserable on the inside but smile at him through it? I hate him right now. I hate my life, my body, my tiny income. I literally am just walking around hating everything. I’m SO disappointed, and when I get this way everything else comes up, like how he was pissed every time I conceived and pissed when I bought our first house and how I feel so god damned unattractive around him, both my body and my heart,  and how we have nothing in common and how he looks at and flirts with other women when I’m right there in the room and how he doesn’t “get” art and how I’ve had to be the breadwinner for the past six years while he finishes school, and no it’s not a masters or a bachelors.  It’s an AA because we have three kids and he has to work some so we can survive, which we might not anyway with me making this little and being away so much more.

You know, maybe I’m more pissed at my past self for the life decisions that I made. I honestly at this point, wish I could go slap my 20 something year old self silly and talk some sense into that idiot! Chase your freaking dreams instead of men Dummy, and when you do chose a man, CHOOSE HIM WISELY! I just let the current take me where it would and look where it got me. Struggle. This relationship has been sad from the get go. I’m not thinking I’m perfect but damn I’m tired of feeling like this. Yea. Boo freaking hoo. I know, I know, victim mentality, and I can change things if I really want to, blah blah blah. If you’ve read this far you’re crazy, but thanks for letting me vent. Check out the art on my page, it will be the last I can make for a while.

Bubble Bath Reflections

Forgive me please, writing is not my first art, I am a visual artist. Please take a few moments to browse through my work and comment whenever you like?

Taking a bath, listening to Yoruma Radio on Pandora. Staring at my completely bare bathroom walls with candle light dancing off them. Smelling the incredible scent of both candles and essential oils. I’m dreaming of what could be there on those bare walls staring back at me. I want a play of mirrors and fine art there for the candles to dance with. I’m in a particularly bitter and depressed mood for various reasons. The bath and candles help. The music is so incredibly soothing. It occurs to me that I could make music like that if I applied myself for years. But I don’t really want to. I’d rather apply paint or clay. Instrumental music is one art I would just want to appreciate and admire. That thought leads me to be disturbed. I DO appreciate music. It helps me relax, to think. This particular type helps me feel luxurious, rich and relaxed. But I’m none of those things. I’m not classy, I am starting a new job tomorrow that pays half of what I’m used to. I’m only hoping I can keep these walls that I have so many hopes for. Here I am soaking in clean water with beautiful light dancing around me listening to music that just a short time ago was reserved for only the most noble. Am I grateful? Oh YES! I am in clean hot water with bubbles and scents and can crawl into a nice bed within these many walls! But also, as I mentioned, I’m disturbed. You see, I’m an artist too. I know what it takes to acquire such skill, and how that skill is such a part of you that it’s impossible to separate the individual from the art. Here I am knowing that if I had to pay for the privilege, it’s not that I wouldn’t, but I COULDN’T. As an artist, and a good one I think, I can’t even afford to MAKE my OWN art without a full time job, much less support other artists. And with a full time job I must sacrifice family to make art.

I CAN’T pay for it, this beautiful music, and neither can many others, save the uber rich, or upper middle class at the least. Now instead of relaxing, I feel guilty. I want to give these AMAZING artists who bring me such joy and help and comfort, their due, just like my loyal fans who always profess to LOVE my work, but never buy any. I get SO bitter that I can’t get PAID to do the thing that brings me, and seems to bring others, so much joy. That means I CANNOT do it and feed my children too. And who does pay artists now days anyway? Advertising agencies I guess. But that leads to a whole other bag if worms….

I just can’t wait for the Kingdom to come! A day when I and everyone else can do what they are called to do and still have enough for themselves and their young!

And then I think how selfish I must be! I MUST be grateful for the job that will keep food in their mouths even if if won’t provide a vacation or art materials. Oh Lord help my selfishness? Help my worldly desires? Please bless the artists of the world whom you have called to make beautiful things for your sake and not for the pleasures of this world? Please help us be strong enough to deny ourselves while continuing to use the gifts you have given us for YOUR glory?

So blissful, and so melancholy at the same time,

Jeanette
A.K.A. JETTE

IMG_5395

Landed Three Jobs!

Well, I landed all three of the jobs I interviewed for! Any of them would be fun jobs. So fun I’m not sure which ones to take! All are part time and all start at roughly half of my previous hourly wage. Truly I wish I could just take one and work as an artist the rest of the time, but Hubby doesn’t think that’s a good idea. See, art is never a sure thing. I have faith, but I need to honor him. So I will pray on it and see where the Lord leads me. If He wants me to use the talent He blessed me with He will bring me enough clients and commissions to appease my husband. I’m putting everything out there and doing everything I can to promote myself as an artist. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and trusting God to build the ground under my feet. If the answer is “no” or “not yet” to an art career, then I have to suck it up and do what needs to be done to get the Hubs through school and the kids fed. Sigh…such is life and we make the best of it that we can!

Anyway, if you happen to stumble on this post, please feel free to browse my site to see my art share if you feel led and leave any comments you wish! I would love to create something uniquely beautiful for you! If you would like to book me for a mural, portrait, paint party or face painting, please contact me. I’d love to hear from you!

In Him,

Jeanette

A.K.A. Jeanette

I fall at His feet

The Beginning

I’m a woman of few words. I need time to think that I just don’t have right now. So I’ll keep my first post short and to the point. I’ll probably delete it later.

I just want to express my excitement and complete terror for the new…whatever this is in my life. I feel like all these options have been tossed up in the air and they are still sorta flying up and getting ready to fall back down. I’m not sure how any of them will land or if they will end up in one piece once they do. In case you haven’t noticed, all I want to do is make art. Art, art, art all day long and I want to have openings and go to shows and get commissions for portraits and murals and sculptures for businesses and people! I just don’t have enough bookings yet.

I had an interview at a jewelry store for a jewelers position, and I have one at Home Depot and a local garden center in he next two days. I also am going to learn how to do some painting on fondant (wonderfully delicious clay like frosting) for a friend who owns a baking business and wants to offer that service. I think I will like doing any or all of these things. I’m pretty sure all of them are part time positions and, of course they don’t pay much.

Part time is good though so I can work on my art. I have all kinds of people saying they want murals and some saying they will help me make this art thing a career. I even had a sweet friend help me set up this web page. It’s just a matter of if and when the ones who said they want to and others will actually book me. I’m more scared now of NOT putting my whole self into BEING an artist and having to work toward someone else’s dream than I am of failing while pursuing my own. The problem is, I have three kids that I can’t just let down. I can’t just not take the steady pay for my own selfishness. We just bought a house. I can’t just not pay for it. In other words, it’s do or die. So if you see this and you’re the praying type, please say a little one for me?

The octopus is the last mural I worked on. I’ll go back later and add bunches of colorful sea life to the reef below him. I’m good. I know I’m good. Can my family hang on till enough people who can afford my services know I’m good too? Stay tuned to find out!