Today I pushed you from me. 


  

For the second time in history.

In reality I can’t count how many times I’ve pushed you out.

But this time…

Oh this time it’s as sweet as it’s been bitter.

Cuz you’ll think of me too as time grows thicker.

Advertisements

Perfect Words

Every word is perfection.

Poetry.

Love.

Beauty.

Overstanding.

Every. Single. Last. Word.

So perfect I’m afraid to trust it to be true.

Waiting on the Other Side

  Are you there? 

On the other side?

Watching me? Waiting?

I’m lonely.

Slowly returning to normalcy.

No longer hiding and scared.

Still can’t eat much.

Can’t sit down much.

I walk around sighing

playing with my hair

touching my face

hugging myself.

One second smiling,

The next I’m dying.

I’m a twitterpated tween.

Shake it off

Check my phone

My inbox is safely,

despairingly…empty.

Love songs are no longer meaningless, but tragic.

Attempting to push emotions

& crackling chemistry asside

Trying to bring back logic 

In order to decide.

Think RATIONAL thoughts Jeanette!

Reality is rarely like our fantasies.

Don’t jump in blind.

(Self Portrait by JETTE 1997)

Heaven On Earth

I’ll not always be pretty, but if you let me, I’ll paint you some beautiful walls.

Fill your house with smells when the snow falls.

Soups, coffee, stews

Cookies, cider and hot brews

If you provide the means.

In the summer your…our yard would be bursting with greens!

Melons, cabbages, tomatoes, herbs and beans!

The kids would make crafts and we’d cook and sing!

If you just provide the means.

With you, we’d camp and hike and fish!

Travel every corner of creation, sometimes with kids, but others, the kids we’d ditch! 😉

We’d run around outside having fun to stay fit.

It wouldn’t be a chore, it would be life,

fun and free and light!

I’d create for hours every day

while you and the kids were away.

I’d sew and paint and write!

Oh what a beautiful sight!

They say heaven is beyond human imagination and it must be true.

If heaven is better than that, I can’t wait till this life is through.

Oblivious

WARNING! Kind of explicit, maybe a little TMI, but I gotta get things off my chest.

He wanted some tonight and I guessed I should give it to him. It is our 14th anniversary after all. God, it took a full three or four minutes just to get it in I was that unenthusiastic. I just lay there like a blow up doll with my face covered. Oh, and my saggy stretch marked belly too. It’s all I am really, all I feel like. A blow up doll and a paycheck, oh yea, and a pain in the ass. I can’t even pretend to feel anything anymore. I’m so utterly hopeless and lonely. Afterword I sat on the toilet quietly crying. He tossed me a towel. Eventually I got up and got into bed with my back to him. The sadness keept welling up and overflowing out my eyes. I tried to breathe as steady as possible so as not to sob. But it didn’t matter anyway. He fell asleep quickly. Completely oblivious. I wonder if I’ll ever feel the fire of love again?

Love Songs

So many love songs.

I hear them line by loving line.

from across the whole world they are keeping time.

Why can’t just one be mine?

Oh God I’m running out of time!

I sound so bitter, but I promise I’m sweet

Only scared I won’t be pretty

by the time we meet.

I don’t need money nor do I need fame.

I just want someone to feel butterflies

at the sound of my name.

I live with someone,

but I’m all alone.

Begging for a love song,

but his heart is stone.

He’d have me believe that all men are this way,

that I don’t deserve one anyway.

But I know that’s not true!

I hear them singing! I DO!

Men know how to love, I just know they do!

Why doesn’t mine? What did I do?

I just want a love song.

One that’s true.

Legal Addictions

But cha know!

Knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is just goin’ roun’ an’ roun’

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is goin’ roun’ an’ roun’ in circles

why we gotta do the things we do

we’re not movin’ foreward

why we gotta do the things we do

you know they keep us out of heaven

and I say

the Lord forgive but we must not forget

we gotta pay for what we’re doin’

Rollin’ up pon that little corner store

sayin’ Lord just one more smoke

then I’m gonna quit oh Lord you know I will

when this pack is gone

sittin’ on the front porch rocker swing

puffin’ up that nasty smoke

three babies sittin’ by an’ by

watchin’ their momma kill herself before their eyes

I’m trustin’ in the Fathers’ forgiveness

to excuse this thing I’m doin’

the Lord is gonna give me one more chance

yes I know He will

But cha know!

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is just goin’ roun’ and roun’

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is goin’ roun’ an’ roun’ in circles

why we gotta do the things we do

we’re not movin’ foreward

why we gotta do the things we do

you know they keep us out of heaven

the Lord forgive but we must not forget

we gotta pay for what we’re doin’

the wife and kids have gone away today

out to visit grandma

and he says

oh Lord I know it’s sin but I am just a man

what she don’t know won’t hurt her

sit on down and flip the little switch

on the home computer

look at all the honeys Lord they look so nice

they’re everything she isn’t

I’m trustin’ in the Fathers’ forgiveness

to excuse this thing I’m doin’

the Lord is gonna give me one more chance

yes I know He will

but cha know

knowin’ ya gonna get another go

is just goin’ roun’ an’ roun’

knowin’ ya gonna’ get another go

is goin’ roun’ an’ roun’ in circles

why we gotta do the things we do

ya know they keep us out of heaven

the Lord forgive but we must not forget

we gotta pay for what we’re doin’

bar-b-que at the river today

oh Lord there’s gonna be beer there

I’ll only have a few cuz you know how I am

I wanna be a good mother

I’m feelin’ good and the kids are all playin’

I’ll just have another

twelve beers later I can’t stand up no more

oh and my baby’s cryin’

I’m trustin’ in the Father’s forgiveness

to excuse this thing I’m doin’

the Lord is gonna give me one more chance

oh yes I know He will….

American Woman

I thought I’d share a poem I wrote around 2007 when the kids were still little.

American Woman

she’s an average American woman

full of questions, dualities, confusion

says and thinks she don’t know what’s wrong or right,

but in her heart she knows the truth from the lies

she’s a mother and her kids so love her

but she no longer has time to be a good lover

marked and saggin’ from bearin’ and raisin’

she knows her body’s no longer worth cravin’

the girls on tv are fake, an illusion

it’s so wrong to need that to feel like a woman

she wants to get back what she lost with her youth

but how would she feel if her body weren’t truth?

she knows earth will die from so much pollution

can’t afford “green” so she lives in delusion

she wants to help the worlds hunger and strife

instead her family’s fed at Wal-Marts low price

she knows it’s wrong to add to the landfills

but what can she do with all the diapers and spills?

resycaling’s expensive, laundry takes time

it’s all an excuse, she knows she’s committing crime

“This world is so screwed!” she cries in her heart

can she teach herself and kids to make a new start?

she feels way to weak, too tired, and too dumb

so she goes about her brainwashed life feeling numb