Broken Chrysalis

I woke up this morning…different. Consciousness rose to the surface somewhere around 4am-ish. I don’t know because I didn’t reach for my phone, for once. Oh, all the familiar aches and pains were still there. So many days of being bent over the bench, using my hands as tiny vices, pushing down prongs, sawing, torching, searching for that thing I just had in my hand, eyes always in the microscope, everything pushing toward the center and never having my chest and arms opened up. I can feel it every morning when I wake up on my stomach with my arms out under my pillow. My hands and arms involuntarily push into the bed and my back burns all the way down the middle, my spine clearly out of alignment, muscles tight, hands clenched, throbbing and aching. But, today, even with the aches and pains, was…different. My head wasn’t so heavy. I didn’t feel dread for the day or the future or the heaviness of life’s burdens. I felt, maybe not energized physically, but certainly a new kind of energy, positive energy and the absence of negativity. I was actually able to pull my body out of bed at 5:45. No, it was better than that. I couldn’t KEEP my body in bed, when, for the past…at least three years I have had to willfully and grudgingly drag myself out of sleep wishing I never had to wake up again.


It occurs to me that I’ve been in a very dark, confined space, not free to move at all, or to see or to feel. Nothing about my surroundings or situation has changed drastically…yet. But this morning, I felt like the cocoon is beginning to give. No wings are out, they are still bound, my legs still can only barely wiggle, but my antennae are out, feeling around, tasting the air, proboscis unwinding, ready to partake of life’s nectar, and my eyes are almost uncovered. I can almost see my way out of confinement. Every day I will wiggle a bit more, search a bit more, seek a bit more, till my bonds break free. I want to fly.

I won’t think about darkness anymore. I will push those thoughts from me and concentrate on the light. I will keep dark people at arms length and seek out the people who’s light is contagious. I will let their flame ignite my own. Then, when I’m a full fiery blaze, and those who’s lights have gone dim are drawn to mine, I will use my light to ignite theirs. I will learn a new way of thinking, a new way of speaking, a new way of existing. I will free myself. I will move my body, wake with the sun, and consume only that which will heal and nurture. I will grow strong. Someday very soon, I will love myself again.


What a Beautiful Weekend!

My oldest girl, who struggles with ADHD had an amazing week! She got all five of her daily assignments done before I got home from work on Friday and had three more done shortly after I got home from work on Saturday, so we, us three girls, had a spontaneous makeover n selfie night!

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Ok well, one with the boy too just cuz he loves his Momma! 10985868_10202836073141246_762602053269579906_n

There are like 50 more but I won’t bore you. It kills me how stunning my girls are becoming. They both have eyes for days! This thing where they are starting to want to wear makeup is both fun and terrifying for me. It is fun to watch them grow up, but it makes me feel so old at the same time. It also makes me question how much and when to let them, and makes me scared of the next level…boys.

All that aside, I live for nights like this, when everyone is feeling good, getting their stuff done and off our shoulders and when I am able to put my worries aside for a few hours to just have fun with my kids and not THINK.

Today I got to sleep in. It wears on a person to always have to be the one to wake up early and drag everyone else out of bed, be hated, and then have to leave before anyone else, so Sundays are my day to develop a lasting relationship with my bed. Sigh… I’m sitting in it right now feeling sad that I’ll have to leave it too early on my second day off tomorrow. But I digress. We slept in, got ready for the day, my boy made us all PB&Js, packed water and oranges, granola bars and pickles (So we wouldn’t have to spend money.) and we went out to the Earth Day celebration at the park.

I ran into a friend who invited us to a BBQ. I have to admit I’ve been isolating and it was a little awkward to be in the presence of people again. I haven’t been going to church and I’ve been poor, sick and depressed. It felt good to get fed and be social. If I had to hang out with anyone, I’m glad it was this friend. She’s one of the least pretentious or judgmental people I know. The kids have a lot of fun with her kids too.

I still don’t know how I’m gonna get everything payed, how long I’ll have in this home we’ve made, but for today I think I’m just gonna be thankful .