Broken Chrysalis

I woke up this morning…different. Consciousness rose to the surface somewhere around 4am-ish. I don’t know because I didn’t reach for my phone, for once. Oh, all the familiar aches and pains were still there. So many days of being bent over the bench, using my hands as tiny vices, pushing down prongs, sawing, torching, searching for that thing I just had in my hand, eyes always in the microscope, everything pushing toward the center and never having my chest and arms opened up. I can feel it every morning when I wake up on my stomach with my arms out under my pillow. My hands and arms involuntarily push into the bed and my back burns all the way down the middle, my spine clearly out of alignment, muscles tight, hands clenched, throbbing and aching. But, today, even with the aches and pains, was…different. My head wasn’t so heavy. I didn’t feel dread for the day or the future or the heaviness of life’s burdens. I felt, maybe not energized physically, but certainly a new kind of energy, positive energy and the absence of negativity. I was actually able to pull my body out of bed at 5:45. No, it was better than that. I couldn’t KEEP my body in bed, when, for the past…at least three years I have had to willfully and grudgingly drag myself out of sleep wishing I never had to wake up again.


It occurs to me that I’ve been in a very dark, confined space, not free to move at all, or to see or to feel. Nothing about my surroundings or situation has changed drastically…yet. But this morning, I felt like the cocoon is beginning to give. No wings are out, they are still bound, my legs still can only barely wiggle, but my antennae are out, feeling around, tasting the air, proboscis unwinding, ready to partake of life’s nectar, and my eyes are almost uncovered. I can almost see my way out of confinement. Every day I will wiggle a bit more, search a bit more, seek a bit more, till my bonds break free. I want to fly.

I won’t think about darkness anymore. I will push those thoughts from me and concentrate on the light. I will keep dark people at arms length and seek out the people who’s light is contagious. I will let their flame ignite my own. Then, when I’m a full fiery blaze, and those who’s lights have gone dim are drawn to mine, I will use my light to ignite theirs. I will learn a new way of thinking, a new way of speaking, a new way of existing. I will free myself. I will move my body, wake with the sun, and consume only that which will heal and nurture. I will grow strong. Someday very soon, I will love myself again.


I Felt Beautiful Today

From the moment I woke up I felt attractive today. My fellow women will know what I’m talking about. There are so many times when we are tired, drained, worried, emotional, critical of every line around our eyes, every bulge that we think is getting to large or perceive as misshapen. But every once in a while despite all that, we just know we’ve got it goin’ on. Today was one of those days for me. I had spent all day yesterday pulling weeds and moving dirt with shovel and wheelbarrow from an area in the yard and leveling it off so it will be ready to receive the decomposed granite I hope to one day (Maybe in six months, or three years, or maybe never if I can’t get these damned bills payed) put there so we can put a fire pit on it to sit around with friends roasting marshmallows and drinking wine.

The dreaming of things to come, envisioning all the things that will grow there, how I’m going to make it beautiful, the sun I soaked up, the physical activity and being able to look out back and see the work of my hands was healing. It all came together to make me feel pretty today. It helped that I felt particularly skinny ;). It also helped that my check was pretty OK this pay period. Not near what it used to be, but it still allowed me to make some payments. That feels good. Hopefully it gets the creditor’s phone calls to stop. Hopefully I can keep up and not lose my house. Hopefully I can save enough to keep my promise to the girls in three months. All of this is unknown and all I can do is keep getting up and going to work, keep designing, keep selling, keep spending wisely, keep smiling, keep hoping, keep praying.

Most days I feel so old and tired, but today, I woke up and thought, you look good for being almost 40, you look good for a person who’s walked through your life, you look like there is still life in you. I though about how I carry myself. I thought this morning that I can still be fierce if I keep workin’ what I’ve got and what I’ve got ain’t half bad for a mother of three. I though that all the wisdom and strength that comes from struggle can be hot. Maybe not nineteen year old brick house hot, but still hot. So I snapped a selfie before I even got in the shower, no make up, no nothing. Just me, feeling pretty.