From the moment I woke up I felt attractive today. My fellow women will know what I’m talking about. There are so many times when we are tired, drained, worried, emotional, critical of every line around our eyes, every bulge that we think is getting to large or perceive as misshapen. But every once in a while despite all that, we just know we’ve got it goin’ on. Today was one of those days for me. I had spent all day yesterday pulling weeds and moving dirt with shovel and wheelbarrow from an area in the yard and leveling it off so it will be ready to receive the decomposed granite I hope to one day (Maybe in six months, or three years, or maybe never if I can’t get these damned bills payed) put there so we can put a fire pit on it to sit around with friends roasting marshmallows and drinking wine.
The dreaming of things to come, envisioning all the things that will grow there, how I’m going to make it beautiful, the sun I soaked up, the physical activity and being able to look out back and see the work of my hands was healing. It all came together to make me feel pretty today. It helped that I felt particularly skinny ;). It also helped that my check was pretty OK this pay period. Not near what it used to be, but it still allowed me to make some payments. That feels good. Hopefully it gets the creditor’s phone calls to stop. Hopefully I can keep up and not lose my house. Hopefully I can save enough to keep my promise to the girls in three months. All of this is unknown and all I can do is keep getting up and going to work, keep designing, keep selling, keep spending wisely, keep smiling, keep hoping, keep praying.
Most days I feel so old and tired, but today, I woke up and thought, you look good for being almost 40, you look good for a person who’s walked through your life, you look like there is still life in you. I though about how I carry myself. I thought this morning that I can still be fierce if I keep workin’ what I’ve got and what I’ve got ain’t half bad for a mother of three. I though that all the wisdom and strength that comes from struggle can be hot. Maybe not nineteen year old brick house hot, but still hot. So I snapped a selfie before I even got in the shower, no make up, no nothing. Just me, feeling pretty.