Asking Too Much

I had a boyfriend once, my first real long term relationship, my first…everything. Even toward the end there were times when I’d be talking to him and he’d be so mesmerized by how my mouth moved when I spoke that he’d forget to listen to what I was saying. He found me beautiful. I came across some letters a few months ago, letters that he’d written to me during a time of separation. The words… it was so obvious that the man loved me, that he cared for me, wanted me, admired me, was attracted to me and wanted to be near me. That ended badly as so many relationships do. We are all so damned human, but I’m dying for that again, longing so deeply for someone who loves who I AM at the very roots of ME.

I want someone to love the way I smile, who thinks my quirks are cute and funny, but won’t be cruel in their amusement, who can motivate me positively by simply wanting to take me, just for my company, out into nature on hikes and bike rides, jogs, climbs, trips and vacations. I want to be with a man who is happy with himself, confident but moral, who’s passionate about what he does and wants to lift me up and show me everything, but knows when it’s time for me to meditate on my own to recharge my introverted mind.

I want a man who views the art and jewelry I design with awe and respect, who creates a space and time for me to create it because he knows that I need him to and that it fills my soul with joy and without that, everything is dark and bleak and hopeless for me. He must speak highly of my art to everyone he meets! I want his eyes to light up every time he mentions my name! I want his admiration and respect for what I do to be plain on his face and in his actions.

I want a man who is passionate about leading me spiritually, who isn’t afraid or embarrassed to pray with me and for me no matter who is near to hear, a man who knows God intimately, who isn’t afraid to declare the fact that Jesus was not a white man, nor would He be Republican… or Democrat for that matter. Passionate conversations about Christ and the Gospel! Oh how wonderful it would be if he would pursue Christ and then come running after me!

I want him to hold my hand and open doors for me like my Dad always did. I want him to touch me lovingly but respectfully all the time. His touch should be reassuring and comforting and loving, never forceful or demanding.

He must be successful, but of course he would be because he’s so passionate about what he does, and he must be the most generous person I know, but responsible with his income as well. Every trip and vacation should be the perfect blend of helping others and relaxing. He must be a respected man, or his respect for me would mean nothing. I want a man who not only makes me want to earn his respect, but who helps me achieve it every day.

I want a man who views me as both a strong woman and also a delicate flower in need of loving care and affection. I want my man to WANT to take care of me, not because I need it, but because he feels I deserve it. He must not be bitter or stressed out about the responsibility.

I want a man who will lead me on an adventuresome, wonderful, fun, happy and content life.

Sigh…I’m asking too much. I don’t deserve it. Still, I wonder if he exists, if he’s real and out there somewhere waiting for me.

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