Whole Foods Lunchbreak Reflections

I’m all for marriage. I’m all for trying and fighting and sacrificing for your partner. Lately though I’ve been thinking a lot about American Divorce Culture. See, my husband of fourteen years and I are damned near 40 years old, and I may just be going through some type of female midlife crisis but damn it, I want to be admired again! I’m so sick of struggling. We are not just common people, we are less than common people. We’ve never bought new cars, can’t afford the kids braces or clothes for that matter. I’m working all the fucking time and getting nowhere. It’s like trying to run in waist deep water. I’m tired and I’m frightened that this is it. This is all there will ever be. My body is going downhill, I’ll never have the money or time to fix it, and I’ll never know what it’s like to be admired and loved and cared for ever again. It’s not the divorce that’s appealing, as a matter of fact, the thought is terrifying, but the idea of something new, some adventure and excitement that I fear I’ll never ever know if I stay where I’m at. I’m just so sad and stuck. I was super deep into Christ and the church for a while. I still love Jesus, it’s just that I tried and tried. I changed and bent and did everything I could to make my marriage better. It DID get better, for him but not for me except that he was angry less, not that I felt loved more. What to do? What on earth to do?

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